Why is Tobacco legal?
Setting: The modern world, except tobacco is heretofore just another North American weed.
Entrepreneur: I have discovered a new product, and I'd like to begin marketing and selling it.
FDA: Is it something to eat?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Is it something you drink?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Does it have any nutritional value?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Is it a drug?
Entrepreneur: Kind of.
FDA: Kind of?
Entrepreneur: Well, it doesn't cure anything or alleviate any symptoms, but it does deliver nicotine, an addictive stimulant, to the blood stream
FDA: So people will become physically and psychologically dependent on your product?
Entrepreneur: Yes. We think it'll be a great way to generate "customer loyalty".
FDA: Are there any side effects?
Entrepreneur: Nothing too bad. We get lots of coughing, respiratory ailments, higher incidence of influenza and bronchial infections, cardiac arrest, oral cancers, laryngeal cancers, lung cancer, emphysema, gum disease, bad breath, premature aging and staining of the teeth. Did I mention the cancer? But I think that's it. Pretty standard stuff, really.
FDA: You expect us to let you sell this to people?
Entrepreneur: Sure. You let people sell stuff with caffeine in it. That's an addictive stimulant. Why not us?
FDA: Yes, caffeine's addictive. But we've seen no evidence that it causes cancer or any of that other crap. It's that "addictive AND deadly" combination that's really bothering us.
Entrepreneur: Oh. Well fast food is legal. It's not so good for you. Why not shut down McDonald's?
FDA: It's bad for you, but McNuggets aren't addictive.
Entrepreneur: Heroine is legal.
FDA: No it's not.
Entrepreneur: Damn. Well then I'll just go over your heads.
FDA: Excuse me?
Entrepreneur: I'll supply a high margin crop to the rural south, and offer congress and the states a fat revenue stream from giant taxes on my product.
FDA: So you're gonna bribe our bosses?
Entrepreneur: Yup. We're good at this marketing stuff. Instead of "bribe" we like to call this "economic addiction". Pretty cool, huh?
FDA: Fine, go ahead. But if anyone sues your assess, you're on your own.
Entrepreneur: Great. And one last thing. You don't mind if we market it to kids, do you? I mean, yeah, they're kids, but remember: Every pack someone buys puts money in your pocket, not just ours!
FDA: Just go.
Entrepreneur: I have discovered a new product, and I'd like to begin marketing and selling it.
FDA: Is it something to eat?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Is it something you drink?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Does it have any nutritional value?
Entrepreneur: No.
FDA: Is it a drug?
Entrepreneur: Kind of.
FDA: Kind of?
Entrepreneur: Well, it doesn't cure anything or alleviate any symptoms, but it does deliver nicotine, an addictive stimulant, to the blood stream
FDA: So people will become physically and psychologically dependent on your product?
Entrepreneur: Yes. We think it'll be a great way to generate "customer loyalty".
FDA: Are there any side effects?
Entrepreneur: Nothing too bad. We get lots of coughing, respiratory ailments, higher incidence of influenza and bronchial infections, cardiac arrest, oral cancers, laryngeal cancers, lung cancer, emphysema, gum disease, bad breath, premature aging and staining of the teeth. Did I mention the cancer? But I think that's it. Pretty standard stuff, really.
FDA: You expect us to let you sell this to people?
Entrepreneur: Sure. You let people sell stuff with caffeine in it. That's an addictive stimulant. Why not us?
FDA: Yes, caffeine's addictive. But we've seen no evidence that it causes cancer or any of that other crap. It's that "addictive AND deadly" combination that's really bothering us.
Entrepreneur: Oh. Well fast food is legal. It's not so good for you. Why not shut down McDonald's?
FDA: It's bad for you, but McNuggets aren't addictive.
Entrepreneur: Heroine is legal.
FDA: No it's not.
Entrepreneur: Damn. Well then I'll just go over your heads.
FDA: Excuse me?
Entrepreneur: I'll supply a high margin crop to the rural south, and offer congress and the states a fat revenue stream from giant taxes on my product.
FDA: So you're gonna bribe our bosses?
Entrepreneur: Yup. We're good at this marketing stuff. Instead of "bribe" we like to call this "economic addiction". Pretty cool, huh?
FDA: Fine, go ahead. But if anyone sues your assess, you're on your own.
Entrepreneur: Great. And one last thing. You don't mind if we market it to kids, do you? I mean, yeah, they're kids, but remember: Every pack someone buys puts money in your pocket, not just ours!
FDA: Just go.
posted by Kenneth at 8:55 AM
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