Maybe I'm an extrovert?

For a long time I've thought of myself as introverted. I hate parties full of unfamiliar people. Hate them. I fear making social mistakes and being embarrassed. The social games people play mystify me. I know a game is going on, but I don't get the rules and don't know how to play. I spend a lot of time in solitary pursuits. I scull alone, I bike alone, I run alone, I do logic puzzles on my own, I read. I'm terrible about picking up the phone and reaching out to people and creating social situations for myself.

But the truth is I exhibit a lot of extroverted behavior. I was a soccer player before I started rowing crew, two of the most "team" sports out there. I've always been made captain of any team I've been a part of for very long. I played lead roles in musical theater in high school. I enjoy public speaking. I love spending time with my classmates and really look forward to seeing them. And when I'm doing the biking, running, sculling and logic puzzles by myself, I wish I had company.

When I come home from a block of class, the sudden shock of being alone after being with so many is rather depressing.

I'm not shy about speaking up in class, meetings, public, large groups. I'm not shy. I do like people. So why have I thought I was introverted? I think it's because I'm a pretty sensitive person. And other people can hurt my feelings pretty easily. Being alone, there's no one to hurt my feelings. I sacrifice the joy of company, but save myself the prospect of sadness. So I've avoided people to avoid emotional pain, and called myself an introvert.

But true introverts aren't tuned in to other people. They're not supposed to be highly empathic. I'm very tuned in and very empathic. So much so that I have to tune out because being tuned in to other people's feelings can hurt too much and make me vulnerable to manipulation. When I feel their pains or longings, I want to make it all better, partially to help them, but also to make the pain I feel for them go away.

So I'm a sensitive extrovert. I like people, even though they can really impact my feelings. And as I learn not to be so frightened of painful feelings, I can tolerate more contact with people. Maybe I'm an extrovert.