In New York
Well, it's really autumn here.
This morning: "Ah, this is what 40 feels like".
I enjoy it. I packed light. Fleece vest and stocking hat. I'm not going to be outside for more than 15 minutes at a time, unless I'm running in Central Park. In all cases, I don't need mega layers.
I've taken a turn on the blog towards a bit more openness about the rest of my life. It's part of a larger personal growth process for me, I think. Until now, I've gone through life carefully managing my public persona. I've carefully repressed, denied, obscured and buried all the parts of myself that I'd come to think of as "less than presentable". I learned growing up what got rewarded, what got punished. I learned what attributes and aspects of myself were lovable and which were not. So I kept my "such a good boy" public self in the open and my "darker self" hidden.
And all this just made me really odd an unapproachable. Because I wasn't human. Or at least what I let the world see wasn't human. Humans have selfish desires, vulnerabilities, and get dirty jokes. All the parts of myself that wanted to have fun got buried into my shadow self. All of my empathy got buried there, too.
But the shadow self was me, just as much as the public self was me. And my "dark side" actually has a lot of very useful properties. I've begun to bring those parts of myself I used to keep hidden out into the light.
It's been a great process. I've gained so much power from having access to my shadow self's abilities in my public life. I've gained so much energy from not trying to keep myself compartmentalized.
So along those lines, I'll mention that on Friday I'm seeing someone I knew from highschool for dinner. She was two years behind me, went to my highschool's all-girls sister school. We were in theater together. We were star-crossed lovers in high school: Interested in each other, never ready and available a the right time. She remained good friends with my next younger brother.
She's since been married & divorced. I've been married and am now divorcing.
Is it a date? Who knows. I've decided to try to avoid using labels for relationship things. The labels aren't for the people in the relationship, they're for people outside the relationship to understand, in three words, what's going on. I find relationships tend to defy summation in three words or less, so I'll not go along with pretending they do.
Ambiguity is kind of nice. I've finally accepted that I don't have to have everything figured out before I enter into a situation. I don't know what I want in my "romantic" life right now. I know I like women, I'm lonely, and I'd appreciate some validation as worthwhile and attractive. I need people in my life who get me and love me for me. And I think I do the world a disservice by staying cloistered away. So if we have dinner and never see each other again for another 13 years, great. If she becomes the next great love of my life, I guess I'm open to that, though the prospect is rather scary. I was never afraid of commitment, which is why I got married at age 25. Now I'm terrified because I understand what happens when you commit to one thing and get another. There's no contract arbitration in a marriage.
There's a woman in the class behind me I met last time we were in NYC. She's cute and sweet and fun and full of life and we had a great time together. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, and it was great (group dinner). We hung out that night with a bunch of others, talked a lot, drank a bit, danced a bit. Had a charming evening walking around Times Sqaure around 4 am. There was a moment when I think I was being invited up to her room. I didn't go, for a lot of reasons. We flew back together, then I never heard from her till a few days before class. We're all busy, so I'll cut her some slack. Anyway, I think it's clear we'd like to spend time with each other out here. That may happen.
And part of my progress shows through: I'm genuinely not obsessed with making any of these things work out. I'm unphased by having no plan or agenda. I'm more free to just be myself. In the past, I used to change myself to make things work. I'm not against giving relationships their due effort. But at the outset, I'm not going to force anything.
It's a nice place to be. Somewhere along the way I picked up a pretty twisted sense that I had to make my relationships work at all costs. I think I've got a healthier balance now.
And maybe I don't. And it doesn't matter. I don't have to be perfect. I'm going to take life as it comes to me, respond honestly and with integrity, and whatever happens happens.
This morning: "Ah, this is what 40 feels like".
I enjoy it. I packed light. Fleece vest and stocking hat. I'm not going to be outside for more than 15 minutes at a time, unless I'm running in Central Park. In all cases, I don't need mega layers.
I've taken a turn on the blog towards a bit more openness about the rest of my life. It's part of a larger personal growth process for me, I think. Until now, I've gone through life carefully managing my public persona. I've carefully repressed, denied, obscured and buried all the parts of myself that I'd come to think of as "less than presentable". I learned growing up what got rewarded, what got punished. I learned what attributes and aspects of myself were lovable and which were not. So I kept my "such a good boy" public self in the open and my "darker self" hidden.
And all this just made me really odd an unapproachable. Because I wasn't human. Or at least what I let the world see wasn't human. Humans have selfish desires, vulnerabilities, and get dirty jokes. All the parts of myself that wanted to have fun got buried into my shadow self. All of my empathy got buried there, too.
But the shadow self was me, just as much as the public self was me. And my "dark side" actually has a lot of very useful properties. I've begun to bring those parts of myself I used to keep hidden out into the light.
It's been a great process. I've gained so much power from having access to my shadow self's abilities in my public life. I've gained so much energy from not trying to keep myself compartmentalized.
So along those lines, I'll mention that on Friday I'm seeing someone I knew from highschool for dinner. She was two years behind me, went to my highschool's all-girls sister school. We were in theater together. We were star-crossed lovers in high school: Interested in each other, never ready and available a the right time. She remained good friends with my next younger brother.
She's since been married & divorced. I've been married and am now divorcing.
Is it a date? Who knows. I've decided to try to avoid using labels for relationship things. The labels aren't for the people in the relationship, they're for people outside the relationship to understand, in three words, what's going on. I find relationships tend to defy summation in three words or less, so I'll not go along with pretending they do.
Ambiguity is kind of nice. I've finally accepted that I don't have to have everything figured out before I enter into a situation. I don't know what I want in my "romantic" life right now. I know I like women, I'm lonely, and I'd appreciate some validation as worthwhile and attractive. I need people in my life who get me and love me for me. And I think I do the world a disservice by staying cloistered away. So if we have dinner and never see each other again for another 13 years, great. If she becomes the next great love of my life, I guess I'm open to that, though the prospect is rather scary. I was never afraid of commitment, which is why I got married at age 25. Now I'm terrified because I understand what happens when you commit to one thing and get another. There's no contract arbitration in a marriage.
There's a woman in the class behind me I met last time we were in NYC. She's cute and sweet and fun and full of life and we had a great time together. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, and it was great (group dinner). We hung out that night with a bunch of others, talked a lot, drank a bit, danced a bit. Had a charming evening walking around Times Sqaure around 4 am. There was a moment when I think I was being invited up to her room. I didn't go, for a lot of reasons. We flew back together, then I never heard from her till a few days before class. We're all busy, so I'll cut her some slack. Anyway, I think it's clear we'd like to spend time with each other out here. That may happen.
And part of my progress shows through: I'm genuinely not obsessed with making any of these things work out. I'm unphased by having no plan or agenda. I'm more free to just be myself. In the past, I used to change myself to make things work. I'm not against giving relationships their due effort. But at the outset, I'm not going to force anything.
It's a nice place to be. Somewhere along the way I picked up a pretty twisted sense that I had to make my relationships work at all costs. I think I've got a healthier balance now.
And maybe I don't. And it doesn't matter. I don't have to be perfect. I'm going to take life as it comes to me, respond honestly and with integrity, and whatever happens happens.
posted by Kenneth at 11:42 AM
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