I'm a comments whore

Well perhaps not a whore. But I check my blog a lot. A lot. Too much. To see if anyone, anyone, anyone has stopped by and left me a reaction of some kind.

I think it demonstrates desperate longing for connection and approval. Same thing causes overachieving and perfectionism. I need validation from the outside world.

I really have no idea what it would be like to have internal validation.

I can never imagine being happy with a B, or third place. Yes, I do enjoy setting personal bests, or hitting a goal. But I always think about the grand scheme of things, and recognize that I could still be better, or could still have gone harder, worked more, been better.

And I can't help but think that there seem to be so many people out there making so much of themselves. How could I possibly be content to not push the boundaries of my own abilities?

I just don't understand people who are happy with their imperfect selves and non-optimal lives.

It's also clear I need to understand this. Somehow, I need to understand that people can and will like me if I'm not superlative in all respects. But this I don't understand. I know that I do love people who aren't perfect, and my love for them has nothing to do with their abilities, but with their personalities, how they think and feel and react.

But somehow, I can't seem to apply that same thinking to myself. I think people like me because I'm good at stuff. Or maybe it's that I think if I weren't good at stuff, there'd be little reason to like me.

I just wish I weren't so hung up on external validation.

I think about turning off comments, and cutting myself off from all external reinforcement. But I'd still have statcounter, and the fact is, I like the comments, and I think the folks who comment like being able to comment. So I won't do that.

My wrist hurts now, so I'll stop.

But what's it like not to rely on external validation? I really don't know what that would feel like.