Uncertainty, opportunity and self-esteem

I have a challenging choice to make.

I've been offered exactly the job that I want.

And now that I have the offer, I don't know if I want it.

I'm afraid of the stress. I'm afraid of the change. I'm afraid they won't like me. I'm afraid I'll be selling myself short.

It's all basic self esteem problems. My view of the world: If there's a thing that is respected as achievement, and I have not done it, then it's achievement and worth pursuing. If I have done it, it's not that big a deal, and largely overrated. If I don't have it, it's great, if I do have it , it's worthless.

And I fear that others are exploiting me. I fear I'm getting ripped off. If they want to hire me, they must not be that good. Whatever they offer me must not be that good: They're trying to exploit me and get me for cheap.

This is all in my head. I don't know my true worth (though I can ball park it). I don't know whether they're exploiting me or not. I don't know if this really is their best offer or they're just negotiating. I don't know.

And in the absence of certainty, my mind makes things up, and my basic insecurities manifest themselves in the void of truth and create perceptions to fill in the missing reality.

But it's not about how I feel. I'ts also about how others will feel. If I take this job, and others find out what I took it for (and people internally will know...) how will they view me? What if my friends find out? What if my business school classmates find out. Will they think I've sold myself short? Will they think less of me?

I fear starting too low. The starting salary frames so much of your life at a firm. To get a jump, I'll have to get a new job or promotion.

And then there's the voice of my family heritage: This is more money than we could imagine making: What are you fussing about? Are you greedy? Do you think you're better than other people?

I'm actually trying to respect myself and claim fair value for myself.

It's my own fear and insecurity holding me back. It's exactly what I wanted. It's the perfect job for me. I won't let my fears hurt me.

I'll take it. I'll take it. It'll be fine.