Impression Management

I went to a meeting tonight and became aware of how much Impression Management I've done and still do in my life.

I spent a lot of time in relationships trying to be this perfect boyfriend. Sensitive, yet masculine, romantic attentive, non dominating. And I hated my relationships because they didn't get me what I wanted, and I was too busy being nice to demand what I wanted. And as I stopped getting what I wanted, I lost the energy to maintain the facade. And as I dropped the facade, my partners found me not to be the guy they thought they were getting. And things broke down.

From the time I first knew I wanted girls to like me, I studied what they liked in men and sought to cultivate those qualities in myself. I've spent a lot of time in my life making myself "lovable".

I impression manage with my classmates. I don't let them see my darker side, my flawed side, my frail side. I hide my jealous side, my lustful side, my lazy side. I pretend not to be competitive. I try to hide my righteousness, impatience, judgementalism. I come off as this wholesome boy, and it's totally crap.

I project this self that's the person I think others will like. Hell, I do it on this blog. There's all kinds of stuff about me that I don't write about here. Granted, I think it's ok to pick and choose what parts of my life I broadcast to the entire planet. But I manage my image. I admit.

There are some people in my life with whom I've finally learned I can be my real self, and still be accepted and loved. It's the first real unconditional love I've known, and it's pretty transformative stuff.

Still, I hide my true self.