Friday, October 28, 2005

Fortuitous Spectacular Failure

The failure of my marriage, and most particularly, my own failures within my marriage that hastened its inevitable demise are perhaps, in the long term, the best things that ever happened to me.

When you've led a life of trying to achieve at the highest levels in everything you touch, that kind of perfectionism becomes core to your identity. You begin to think you are what you do, and only insofar as what you do is great, are you great. So then you begin to invest more and more energy in making yourself "successful" because that's the only way you think the world will find you worthwhile.

It's total crap. And I was stuck in that mindset for most of my life. And then I screwed up, and my marriage finally imploded. Can't sweep that under the rug:

me: Merry Christmas, Grandma!

Grandma: Where's your wife?

me: We're divorced

An undeniable "failure". A now blemished record. My frailty and humanity laid open and observable.

Me: I suck, I failed, no one will ever love me since I'm clearly shit because I fucked up and my marriage failed.

Rest of Universe: Did you hear a noise?

Me: That was me. I was talking about the failure of my marriage, and how it makes me not at all worthwhile.

Rest of Universe: What's your name again?

Me: Kenneth. I'm the guy with the divorce.

Rest of Universe: Yeah. Right. That guy. The guy with the thing. Sure. Thanks.

I failed, and the world didn't stop. Which means I can fail again, and the world will not stop. Which means I can embrace my past shortcomings, too, and nothing will change. I don't have to keep pretending to have my shit together. I can just be.

Failure is good, especially when it's one you can't hide from.