Challenging times

Yeah. Holidays.

The caveat to all of this is that I haven't worked out all week because of my cold. So I could be a bit blue because of that.

Last night was rough. I was lonely. And I think upset by many things. And the start of vacation awakens my need to cut loose. So my compulsive issues came up in a big way and I almost drove 2 hours to Sacramento to satisfy them. I would have been up all night, screwed up my sleeping pattern, and probably destroyed my weekend. It would have been insane. But I just watched myself get ready to do it. I was saved by a call from a friend as I was gassing up the car. It kind of half snapped me out of it. I got myself home, managed to do some things to sabotage myself from going to Sacramento at 9:30 at night, and eventually got myself tucked into bed to read Harry Potter.

I've been questioning whether I have issues. Most days I'm fine. But after last night, clearly I do. I guess I have to sort this out. I just don't see any clear lines between what's ok for me and what leads to doing crazy shit.

I'll be going to Yosemite to ski for a few days, and I will have some company. I had planned on going alone, but my friend Meg is coming with me. She's not going to try to keep up with me on skis, but is looking forward to away time. I like her, and she's cute, but acting on our mutual interest has always felt really weird and taboo to me. Haven't even kissed the girl because this big knot of "no no no no no" comes up inside me.

By the end of the weekend, I'm sure this will all be figured out one way or the other. That ball of "no" is the same feeling I had when I took steps in my relationship with my wife that were emotionally inappropriate. So I listen to that feeling. I don't have to understand where it comes from, just that it's to be trusted. It'll keep me form doing anything bad.

I'm bringing books and DVD's and the laptop.

I'm packed, and just need to do a few errands before I go.

Had to write my wife a note today. She and my father in law dropped a bunch of stuff of mine that had been at her parents' house back at my mom's place in MA. What a terrible task for them. I feel bad. She wants to try to talk out some of our settlement issues. I'd be open to it, but every time I do/ say something she doesn't like, I get massive amounts of hostility from her, such as the threat to divulge embarrassing details about me to my family. Doesn't exactly foster an atmosphere of open and honest communication.

I feel bad for her this Christmas. It should have been wonderful. My brother in law is probably a father now. My in laws are grandparents. We'd all have been together on the cape. I'd have finished school. Hell, my wife might have been expecting. But now my life is on another path. As is hers.

It's really hard to let go of those happy dreams of that fairy tale life. Right now I question my own sanity such that I can't tell whether any of it was ever real. Maybe it was there, and my distorted mind wouldn't let me see it. Or maybe it wasn't there, and the disappointment fueled my desperate need to make myself feel better any way I could.

Thanks to all of you who read and care: My silent lurkers and my regular commenters and my random strangers. It's helped me to see that other humans find me worthwhile, warts and all, and that's been a great thing for me this year.