Wednesday, March 01, 2006


So, yes I cut my hair off. It's growing on me. Know that dude from "Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels?" & "Snatch"? "Desert eagle .50" guy?

I guess that was the look I was going for. I'll try it for a while. Looks like he'll be playing Juggernaut in X3. Kick ass.

I think part of it was my desire to make my life more monastic. I probably was a Buddhist monk in a former life. I like my routine. I like my quiet. I like getting up at 5 and going to bed at 9. I feel good when I live this way.

And I'm unsure how I feel about the dating scene. Not that my hair is some great attraction asset, but changing my look changes how I feel about myself. I think I should take a break from chasing girls.

What I've learned is that there are three types of love: Lust, "in love" and attachment. I'm open to the first and third, but as soon as I start feeling any of that giddiniess (which also tends to make us feel like focusing our attention on just one person), I take steps to shut it down by pulling back or going out with someone else. I'm not ready to fall in love with anyone. So maybe I shouldn't be dating.

Divorce situation has been hectic. I think at this point my wife and I are going to try mediation to reach a settlement agreement, only with a family law attorney instead of with the Marin county offices, because the county can't consider both support and asset/ debt division simultaneously (yet another instance of insane bureaucratic government inefficiency that reinforces my strongly libertarian perspective). I'm hoping that My wife quickly realizes how insane it is to ask me for support.

I continue to feel bad for her. And these last few days I've felt pretty blue about the situation. It may be that I've had to turn my attention to it more, so I've had to feel it more. It could be having a birthday makes me reflect on the difference between where I'm at and where I had imagined myself being. I think she's having a hard time letting go of her dream of landing her dream job upon graduation. With no husband, no house, no job and lots of debt, going to school is looking like a big mistake. Holding out for the dream job is holding out for something that lets her feel that she at least gained something for her troubles. I continue to feel good about myself that I can feel the full range of complexity for her that I do. My heart's not full of hate.

Work. God, I need to figure this out soon. Had lunch with my boss's boss, and that went poorly. There's a ton of pressure on me to figure out what I can do for the company. I keep looking a the situation thinking "You fuckers hired me. If you don't have enough of the work that I do for me, this is not my fault." But I don't want to get fired. At least not until I've found my next gig. Just hard to focus on that with the marriage thing. Not that I come home every night and work on my divorce. But it takes emotional energy that I just don't seem to have.

It's ego, but I think part of my problem with the job is that I'm treated like junior bush league boy, and I actually have more experience and expertise that I get credit for. I'm grossly under utilized. And I get resentful when I don't get props for being ultra talented. It's so true: Making employees feel appreciated and valued is so much more critical to their happiness and retention than anything else.

I had a good blog event: My orchid photo gets a lot of hits (check the google count on the side, photo is on the bottom). So I modified the entry to ask people who use the image just to leave me a note and tell me who they were and what they were going to do with it. I give my photo to the world. I ask only some world-peace creating connection in return. And a few days ago, someone finally did that. Lucy in the UK. Using it for her A level art project. Cool. She put a pin on my map. I am very happy.

Since San Diego races are in just a month, I've taken to upping my training volume. I'm hitting the boat house after work a few nights a week now, too. I did 10 x 500m last night, and it bodes well for breaking 6:40 for 2000 m. Tonight I'll do 1500m at 1:40/500m to get a feel for how easily I'll be able to do the 2k at that split. I'd like to get well into the 6:30's by the end of March. My PR is only 6:36 or so. I know I can be faster, I know the barrier is psychological.