Thursday, July 13, 2006

Thank goodness that's over

My week from hell is done, and my project for work is over.

It was less hell because of the actual volume of work that needed to be done when measured in hours, and more hell because of the amount of emotional energy required to motivate to actually do the work which I find so utterly tedious.

But it's done. And I played a lot of internet games.

I've had a very hard time getting on my rowing schedule. I can't sleep at night, stay up late, get up late, don't work out in the morning so I work out in the evening, which makes it hard to sleep... And the cycle continues.

I know I need to break it by just getting up early and suffering. Maybe tomorrow.

Other things are coming together. I have yet another mediation appointment next week Friday to once more try to reach some final divorce agreement. I'm hopeful, but not betting on anything. At this point, I'm pretty much wiling to buy my freedom at any cost. Still, a very sad thing. "Over" is a very powerful word. The finality of it. Stark contrast between how it starts -- happy and optimistic, surrounded by friends and family in a church -- and how it ends -- exhausted, cynical and alone in a government building.

I continue to rethink monogamy. I don't buy it. It's so unnatural. We're designed to get attached, yes, but just long enough to conceive and rear offspring. We're designed to notice other potential mates and to want to spread our genes around. Yes, sometimes we'll want hearth and snuggles and stability. But some times we'll want adventure and newness and attraction. And now that I'm free to pursue each as I choose, I must say I'm happy. Yes, it costs me some relationship management challenges, but it's really working for me.

Confuses the crap out of most people in my life. They presuppose exclusivity. I've relaxed a bit about "coming out" as non monogamous in my social circles. I figure, it'll confuse people, but they'll ask and come to understand. And I have nothing to hide. I'm not sneaking around. I've brought some dates around my rowing circle. I haven't crossed that line with my business school friends. I think I fear their not understanding my choices.

My neighbor lady, who's 82 and had a stroke so she just kind of talks forever, has done me the kind favor of raving to one female friend about all the lovely young ladies she's met in my company. People can usually deal, as long as they're not confronted with specifics. So thanks, Jeanne, for throwing it in the face of my date. Well done.

I forgive her. She's sweet and means well. But not exactly a good way to make a girl feel special. And boy, do girls want to feel special. And they are. Each relationship in my life is as unique as the person with whom I have it. Every friendship, every connection is distinct and valuable. Because I love someone else doesn't mean I love them any less. But few people operate this way, at least in the domain of romantic love. Insecurity means they want me all to themselves. Think my connecting with others raises the odds that I'll want to disconnect from them. It's selfishness driven by fear.

Looking at my friend's sister's wedding pics, which are lovely and happy. I recall all the pre-wedding capitalist insanity of my wedding. Picking a photographer, all the pageantry orchestration. There is no way I'd do that again, at least not now. Good photos don't make a marriage. Style isn't substance.

But I wonder, if I find someone I'd want to live with and have kids with, and she's never been married, will she want all that? The divorced women I date seem to get that a wedding doesn't make a marriage, and are more about the substance than the style. The never married women are a bit more wistful and dreamy about all the manufactured hype.

My brother Andrew joins me in CA this weekend as he reaches the Pacific terminus of an epic road trip that's taken him though Denver, southern Utah, the north rim of the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, the Sierra ridge and Yosemite National Park, among others. He's taking photos.

It'll be good to hang out with him.