Flight or flight?
I'm torn. I seem to have "snubbed" my family by not spending $550 to fly to exotic Kansas City MO and then drive 1.5 hours to Columbia MO to eat turkey only to drive back to KC and fly back to SF two days later. I'm glad I stayed. I needed a vacation, and had a great time. Even my readers can tell I'm happy.
But Christmas. I finish my MBA on Dec 10. Done. All done. And my job gives me the Christmas week off. Yay for time off. But I really don't want to go to Boston for a week. Things I'd rather do:
I'd really love to be in SF for New Year's Eve. It could be fun.
And I really don't care to see my mom. My brothers are fun, but even then they won't all be together in Boston, so it's kind of pointless, in my view. I want all, or none. Mom's not going to be satisfied unless she can corner me and make me talk about the divorce until I cry. Then she'll feel like we had a "meaningful conversation", and I'll feel violated.
Even if I do go, I find myself scheming to spend as little time with her as possible. I've got many friends in Boston to see.
That said, being alone on Christmas will be depressing as hell. I'll have to find all my Jewish friends, I suppose. Jewish Christmas: Chinese food and a movie.
Am I avoiding having a major holiday alone? Probably. Am I avoiding my family? Some of them. But as I talked about with my counselor, I'm avoiding things that won't let me be who I am right now. I've dropped one of my 12 step meetings because I think their codes are too stringent and judgemental, and I need the freedom to figure out what I think is right for me in my life. I feel like I'll need to defend my current life to my family. I'd at least not be able to be open about it.
I can hear my mom, now. Any mention of any activity with a new female "friend":
me: So I went to a party my friend K threw...
mom: Who's K?
me: A friend
mom: How'd you meet her?
me: A party (Lie. Truth: Online. Deeper truth: I'm not ready to write about that yet.)
mom: How long have you known her?
And then I mention another friend later, and another, etc. Mom doesn't want to hear that I've got a lot of interests right now, and none of them "serious" or even describable in traditional relationship language. I have some classmates I like and care for. I think the interest is mutual. I'm interested in exploring everything.
And when you're telling someone something and they don't approve, even if they're diplomatic and don't go after you, you can tell they don't approve. And I don't want to lie and I don't want to deal with the disapproval.
I want to go on a week long ski trip with my brothers. I don't want to spend Christmas in Methuen, MA.
I know what I want. I know what mom wants. If I don't go, they'll all freak out.
Fuck 'em. If they want to see me, they can come to CA.
My least expensive option is a red eye through LA for $400 and I'd have to spend the whole week in MA. If I come back early, it's $450. If I come back through Chicago and see my missing brother it's $560, and the times are crappy. If I fly direct its $630. That's a lot of lift tickets. That's a half a road bike.
It's pretty clear what I want. Do I have the guts to do it?
But Christmas. I finish my MBA on Dec 10. Done. All done. And my job gives me the Christmas week off. Yay for time off. But I really don't want to go to Boston for a week. Things I'd rather do:
Ski in Tahoe
Row every day
Buy a road bike and use it
Road trip to NM to see old friends
Finish getting divorced
Hang out with classmates in a beach house some place beautiful
I'd really love to be in SF for New Year's Eve. It could be fun.
And I really don't care to see my mom. My brothers are fun, but even then they won't all be together in Boston, so it's kind of pointless, in my view. I want all, or none. Mom's not going to be satisfied unless she can corner me and make me talk about the divorce until I cry. Then she'll feel like we had a "meaningful conversation", and I'll feel violated.
Even if I do go, I find myself scheming to spend as little time with her as possible. I've got many friends in Boston to see.
That said, being alone on Christmas will be depressing as hell. I'll have to find all my Jewish friends, I suppose. Jewish Christmas: Chinese food and a movie.
Am I avoiding having a major holiday alone? Probably. Am I avoiding my family? Some of them. But as I talked about with my counselor, I'm avoiding things that won't let me be who I am right now. I've dropped one of my 12 step meetings because I think their codes are too stringent and judgemental, and I need the freedom to figure out what I think is right for me in my life. I feel like I'll need to defend my current life to my family. I'd at least not be able to be open about it.
I can hear my mom, now. Any mention of any activity with a new female "friend":
me: So I went to a party my friend K threw...
mom: Who's K?
me: A friend
mom: How'd you meet her?
me: A party (Lie. Truth: Online. Deeper truth: I'm not ready to write about that yet.)
mom: How long have you known her?
And then I mention another friend later, and another, etc. Mom doesn't want to hear that I've got a lot of interests right now, and none of them "serious" or even describable in traditional relationship language. I have some classmates I like and care for. I think the interest is mutual. I'm interested in exploring everything.
And when you're telling someone something and they don't approve, even if they're diplomatic and don't go after you, you can tell they don't approve. And I don't want to lie and I don't want to deal with the disapproval.
I want to go on a week long ski trip with my brothers. I don't want to spend Christmas in Methuen, MA.
I know what I want. I know what mom wants. If I don't go, they'll all freak out.
Fuck 'em. If they want to see me, they can come to CA.
My least expensive option is a red eye through LA for $400 and I'd have to spend the whole week in MA. If I come back early, it's $450. If I come back through Chicago and see my missing brother it's $560, and the times are crappy. If I fly direct its $630. That's a lot of lift tickets. That's a half a road bike.
It's pretty clear what I want. Do I have the guts to do it?
posted by Kenneth at 3:31 PM
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