And by the way

This weekend confirmed for me that I do, in fact, have issues. I graduate on Sunday, and I'll be back to my Sunday night meeting, which I've been avoiding while I gave myself some rope to sort out what was and wasn't acceptable conduct for me. I had found it too restrictive. It may still be too restrictive, but I'm also not well.

It's been a good little experiment, these last few months, but there are still troubling things with my behavior. I've been largely okay with everything, until this weekend.

I have no idea how "normal" people act under stress. But I know I do things that I feel pretty bad about later on. Especially around school stress. The weekends before and after are prime occasions for me.

I just kind of watch myself do stuff. Hard to snap out of it, try though I may. And I have to admit I've been this way my whole life. Hard to change it. Can't deny it, though. I haven't felt this bad for a while. Still, it's hard to tell if the negative feeling is due to stress or the way I handled it. Can't distinguish causation from correlation.

Dreamt of my wife last night. Perhaps it's all the emotional baggage of the divorce that I've put off dealing with coming up now. Could be more than the school stress pushing me. Once school ends, I'll be staring straight into the face of what's become of my life. I hope that I'll have the emotional energy then to deal with the feelings in a healthy way.