New Airline Security Policies

Due to recent terrorist activities, the following new security policies will be made effective immediately until further notice:

• Passengers may not carry on liquids or gels of any kind, unless they are willing to demonstrate the liquids or gels are harmless by ingesting them. To liven the atmosphere in these tense times, the TSA will offer a prize to the day's fastest toothpaste chugger.
• The terrorists were found to have been studying old episodes of MacGuyver, and are believed to be able to improvise explosive devices from duct tape, chewing gum and hair pins. Passengers may no longer carry on anything.
• To prevent passengers from smuggling banned objects onto the flight, all passengers will be barred from wearing non-transparent clothing. For those passengers who wish to avoid seeing nude businessmen, fattened on fast food and immobilized in coach seats like veal calves, the TSA will distribute complimentary blindfolds.
• Several passengers from each flight will be selected at random for body cavity searches. Since many passengers have expressed, after being searched, the desire to have been bought dinner prior to such intimacy, all passengers subjected to such searches will be offered a $20 meal voucher good within the airport terminal.

I'm flying to NYC on Monday. I hope it's not ridiculous at OAK.