Wednesday, August 02, 2006

It's my blog, dammit

And I'll write what I want to. Read at your own risk, if you don't want to know the real truth.

So remember Hot German Chick? Long story short, she was around when I came home from the burning man party (3 am...) and we hung out... yadda yadda... Stuff happened.

Which is cool, on many levels:
  • I'm not too "old" to score with a cute girl 10 years my junior
  • She's not looking for a husband and babies
  • I get sophistication points merely for acting like a normal 32 year old

But it bugs me because
  • I may have become "that guy" who dates inappropriately younger chicks
  • She's friends with my neighbor, and she's going to be around, no matter how this ends
  • Therefore I can't date anyone else without it being in her face
  • We're at massively different places in life
  • She's a sweet girl, and has begun doing sweet, girlfriend-like things for me
  • I don't want a girlfriend

I ponder this: Why don't I want a girlfriend?

1) Time: My life is so full right now, I don't have time to flush just being with someone else. Seriously, I have time for a good screw from around 8:45 PM to 9:30, and time to snuggle through the night till I'm up at 5 to row. And that's it. It's hard enough to get up and go to practice in the morning without a warm woman tempting me to stay up late at night or get back in bed in the morning. And while it seems like a good idea at the time, I always resent the downstream consequences of indulging in some carnal fun.

2) Emotional manipulation: Yeah, falling in love is fun. Yay for feeling giddy. But for me, it means I can't focus on anything else, and that scares the crap out of me. At the risk of sounding like a re-hash of my prior point, I don't want to be distracted from the other stuff in my life. I'm just too happy taking care of myself right now, I don't want to focus on anyone else

3) Opportunity cost: Just yesterday I encountered yet another intriguing woman. And while I haven't figured out how or whether to pursue continued interaction, I want the option. I'm not done sampling what's out there. I'm not done building new relationship skills. I'm not ready to take myself off the market.

Last night, HGC was over, and it came down like a ton of bricks: Holy fuck, my night got hijacked by a girl. Not that I didn't freely choose it. But I had hoped for a little "hey, nice to see you, gotta go, bye". Not something that went to 10:30 PM. We hung out, we got busy, I made dinner, finished some work, we shared dinner, I faded, she saw I was done, put me in bed, cleaned up my kitchen, put away my leftovers, and snuggled me to sleep, then quietly left.

Which was very sweet, but makes me feel obligated. I hate receiving kindnesses, because I feel like I owe someone. And now I feel like I owe her. And I don't want to. I just want a screw and a snuggle from time to time. I know that's crass, but it's the truth. And starting from where I'm at and what I want is the only way I'm going to be happy.

I think what put me over the edge was that, while HGC is there, I get an IM from M, a call from K and a call from C as well. Again, I made my own bed here. I really wanted to talk to K. I actually wouldn't have minded a chat with all of them. Though the chat with M, who's now moved within a 4 minute drive of me, would have had to have been another rearticulation of the fact that, while we dig each other, I don't want to see anyone exclusively, even if you do live conveniently around the corner. But I couldn't talk to any of them, because HGC is right there.

I suppose I'm entering that dangerous and messy post divorce phase of "exuberantly on the market, unwilling to commit emotionally"