Thank God that's over
Well I made it out of 2005. Worst and best year of my life. Divorce is still an untidy mess, but I feel like I am and continue to be more human every day, and it's nice. Accepting myself with less than choir-boy character. I don't always do my dishes. Some days, I goof off all day and do nothing. And I do a bunch of other normal, human things that actually make me even less "perfect" and more tolerable. Who wants to be with me when I'm being perfect? I'm making changes in myself that I like. I recently told a "freak adolescent masturbation accident" story on myself, which was terribly funny. Being able to that is a huge step for me. Holy fuck, I'm normal.
I spent New Year's Eve & Day with classmates and associated others up here in Napa. NYE was a bit rowdy. I cooked dinner for the 14 or so people who were up here. I spent about 30 min on the very small street where the house was located, trying to find it, since I had the address written down wrong. I deduced that I had the address wrong, since 1051 was the highest address on the street, and I had written 1090. After hopping a security gate to look in windows, I found the place. I was stressed about making dinner happen, fearing causing crowd starvation, since I was late. I knew I needed to chill out, but I couldn't. Fortunately, my friends just didn't care. Everyone was happy.
At one point, many of us were sitting around playing "asshole" with red wine. I was never a drinking games guy in college, but I figured I'd be sociable. At one point I realized I was damn drunk, and decided to switch to water, drop out of the game, and stay awake until I was closer to sober. The evening was a success in that I had fun, and had only a minimal headache the next morning. Yay. I drank no alcohol yesterday. Really don't want any today.
I realize I need to get a workout in. I'm getting a little blue and socially withdrawn. No biggie.
Among those here are my classmate's sister, K, who's lots of fun in the way theatrical girls are fun. Witty, sexy, showy. Lot's of "Look at me! I'm fun!" which is attractive. She's naughty. It's alluring. But my intuition feels the knotted up parts of her on the inside. In a cozy moment last night, K gave my head a thorough scratching, which felt lovely. Parts of me went off to plotting how to make it work out such that I'd get a cuddle buddy all night. And my sober brain brought me back to how I'd really not want to deal with the long term consequences of any short term anything with her. So I kept it under control.
K's friend K2, on the other hand, is rather interesting to me. Tall and slender and smart and funny. She seems really at peace with herself, and doesn't' seem to have the same toxicity in her soul as K. I think she's single. The odd dynamic in all of this is that I feel some kind of agenda at work. It could be my imagination, but I feel there's some kind of "Let's get A to meet B this weekend and see what happens". I feel like I'm B. I have no idea who A is. There are three single girls here. My single male classmate T is also here. I have no idea if anyone is trying to set him up. I'd hate to chat up K2 if there's something else afoot with T, so I'm just gonna keep the mating game out of it this weekend. Sometimes, the game is worth it. Sometimes, you just want clean socks.
As I write I'm left alone in the house with M, a classmate that I'm about 80% sure is interested in me, but who scares the crap out of me. Ya know Marge Simpson's sisters? She reminds me of them on the inside, a little. My compulsive side enjoys the game of "let's see if she really is interested". Wants to see if she'd follow me into the hot tub. But only to see if she would. Which is purely evil. So I'm not doing it.
Right now, I just want to go home, settle in, do a few errands, work out and have a peaceful night. I love my friends. But I'm lonely. There's a healthy, cuddly couple here, and it reminds me how much I miss that. My usual anti-dote to touch deprivation is vigorous exercise, but I lack the means to take care of that here.
It's a nice insight for me, to realize I'm not missing sex, just affection. They may be closely related, but I can feel the difference.
I spent New Year's Eve & Day with classmates and associated others up here in Napa. NYE was a bit rowdy. I cooked dinner for the 14 or so people who were up here. I spent about 30 min on the very small street where the house was located, trying to find it, since I had the address written down wrong. I deduced that I had the address wrong, since 1051 was the highest address on the street, and I had written 1090. After hopping a security gate to look in windows, I found the place. I was stressed about making dinner happen, fearing causing crowd starvation, since I was late. I knew I needed to chill out, but I couldn't. Fortunately, my friends just didn't care. Everyone was happy.
At one point, many of us were sitting around playing "asshole" with red wine. I was never a drinking games guy in college, but I figured I'd be sociable. At one point I realized I was damn drunk, and decided to switch to water, drop out of the game, and stay awake until I was closer to sober. The evening was a success in that I had fun, and had only a minimal headache the next morning. Yay. I drank no alcohol yesterday. Really don't want any today.
I realize I need to get a workout in. I'm getting a little blue and socially withdrawn. No biggie.
Among those here are my classmate's sister, K, who's lots of fun in the way theatrical girls are fun. Witty, sexy, showy. Lot's of "Look at me! I'm fun!" which is attractive. She's naughty. It's alluring. But my intuition feels the knotted up parts of her on the inside. In a cozy moment last night, K gave my head a thorough scratching, which felt lovely. Parts of me went off to plotting how to make it work out such that I'd get a cuddle buddy all night. And my sober brain brought me back to how I'd really not want to deal with the long term consequences of any short term anything with her. So I kept it under control.
K's friend K2, on the other hand, is rather interesting to me. Tall and slender and smart and funny. She seems really at peace with herself, and doesn't' seem to have the same toxicity in her soul as K. I think she's single. The odd dynamic in all of this is that I feel some kind of agenda at work. It could be my imagination, but I feel there's some kind of "Let's get A to meet B this weekend and see what happens". I feel like I'm B. I have no idea who A is. There are three single girls here. My single male classmate T is also here. I have no idea if anyone is trying to set him up. I'd hate to chat up K2 if there's something else afoot with T, so I'm just gonna keep the mating game out of it this weekend. Sometimes, the game is worth it. Sometimes, you just want clean socks.
As I write I'm left alone in the house with M, a classmate that I'm about 80% sure is interested in me, but who scares the crap out of me. Ya know Marge Simpson's sisters? She reminds me of them on the inside, a little. My compulsive side enjoys the game of "let's see if she really is interested". Wants to see if she'd follow me into the hot tub. But only to see if she would. Which is purely evil. So I'm not doing it.
Right now, I just want to go home, settle in, do a few errands, work out and have a peaceful night. I love my friends. But I'm lonely. There's a healthy, cuddly couple here, and it reminds me how much I miss that. My usual anti-dote to touch deprivation is vigorous exercise, but I lack the means to take care of that here.
It's a nice insight for me, to realize I'm not missing sex, just affection. They may be closely related, but I can feel the difference.
posted by Kenneth at 11:46 AM
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