Thursday, February 16, 2006

Not doing so hot

Went to a networking thing then dinner with classmate friends last night. Was nice to see everyone. At dinner, before really eating, I got the stabbing cramps in my abdomen again. Could feel my system getting backed up.

Through the night, same issues.

Up this morning at 5 to try to row. Wasn't going to happen.

Stayed home. Working form home on the laptop lying down is more comfortable. Took it easy this morning, and didn't eat. Figured I'd give my system some time to keep moving things along. I've examined my diet and realized that it's been pretty low fiber. Odwallas are good for me, vitamins wise, but lack the fiber of actually eating the veggies. Some of the cereal I thought was higher in fiber isn't.

Christ, I'm not yet 32 and thinking about getting enough fiber. Shoot me. Having these issues does not make me feel sexy.

If things are better by the weekend, that I'll call it case closed. If not, I'll see a doc again.

Before the networking thing, I agreed to meet M to talk. She was trying to figure out whether what she felt was real, or whether it had all been a big illusion. She also was angry and hurt and took some stabs at me. Which I chose to merely absorb and not respond to. But a funny thing happens when people are hurtful to me: I get cold. All the warm parts of me withdraw, and I become dispassionate and logical. And this kind of drove her nuts. And it all made me freak out a bit more:

My wife: Mediterranean, feisty, liked to declare the relationship over any time I said something she didn't like, hated it when I didn't display my emotions when I was upset.

M: Mediterranean, feisty, has called the relationship over twice in the last month when I've brought up and then clarified the "seeing other people" stuff, called me out on giving her the rational exterior, wanted access to the feelings underneath it all.

I know part of her was reaching out to find the parts of me that liked the relationship. But as a wise friend counseled me, to let this go on any longer isn't fair to her. And giving her hope isn't fair to her. So I hid parts of me. I still think she's hot. I know we can't date right now. I know she's not "the one" for me.