Sunday, April 16, 2006

"I introduce myself like polar bear, da"

I let my subscription lapse. Where a guy can, through the convenience of the Internet, meet a woman who really wants to get married, have babies, and live off his income.

The odd thing is there doesn't seem to be a good way to delete my profile.

It's not that big a deal, since, after having updated my profile to be clear that I wasn't in the "marriage trajectory relationship market", I get absolutely no action. Ladies, Message received loud and clear: No wedding possibilities, no interest. Got it. I'll leave y'all alone now. Good luck.

So I was intrigued when I got a wink from what, at first glance, looked to be an attractive redhead. Too good to be true?

And then I read her description: "I am very romantic person, cheerful, frankly and sincere, slenderness, attractive, womanly, tender and attentive."

What a coincidence! I, too, am slenderness! And frankly!

She went on to add "I can introduce myself like owl, this means I like to sleep in the mornings, but at the evening I can work and stay awake to much. "

I can introduce myself like billy goat. This means I like to eat anything that's not moving.

Her killer close: "Whether he has children - it is not important, the main thing is that he must want to have a child. He should be financially secure to ensure a worthy life for our future family. "

Yes, most men like it when women refer to their "future family" before they've even had the first date. Gets our lust for commitment, obligation and entanglement in a total uproar. I'm so hot right now thinking about clothing, feeding and housing this woman and her spawn. Oh baby. Tell me how much you like to shop! Yes! Spend my money! Spend it! Spend it harder! Faster!

So, what, pray tell, is Svetlana Petrikova really after?

My e-mail address, I'm sure. Some clever Russian programmer has probably harvested my profile data, including age, sex and approximate geographic region, sent a wink automatically, and is hoping I'll fire off an e-mail from my real address, which will then be put into his/ her database, making the resulting e-mail list quite useful. Want to spam 30-something men in California? How about 40-somethings in New York?

Those crafty Russians. I should write back and offer to write a real profile American men can't refuse. For a small fee.