Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Challenging times

I think the lack of writing here of late is directly related to my reluctance to confront some issues in my relationship with K. The reason I was avoiding them is because they haven't changed: K wants a family, I want a girlfriend.

And at this point, the emotional consequences of that tension have invaded our sex life, at least on my side. On one hand, I feel terrible withholding a chance at motherhood from her. On the other hand, I feel terrible rolling the dice, when I know we'd be hoping for different outcomes. So either way, I'm going to feel bad. So I've avoided thinking about it or talking about it.

And that just leads to a ball of repressed, unpleasant emotion, which, for me, tends to get vented in less than healthy ways.

So it's been a tough few days.

K and I chatted about all of this. We at least agree our relationship is great and that we can communicate. But neither of us are happy. We both seek to avoid the logical conclusion of our lack of accord on this issue. Just not sure if we can.