I'm a moron

I'm back from skiing, and not unscathed. I had a minor wipe-out which led to a major wrenching of my left knee. As is wont to happen with long levers attached to your feet with immobilized ankles, a twist of the ski directly translates to a twist of the knee. And knees aren't meant to twist.

Not sure exactly how it happened, but I ended up turned around, facing the hill with skis pointed opposite directions. Hill twisting each ankle away from the other. The tension in each knee building, until I felt a pop in my left knee. Then my skis popped off.

I lay there crumpled, holding the knee. I knew I was hurt. Fuck. The panic of a definite injury.

My friends got to me, and Ari, who's a neuroscientist but had also spent a lot of time as a ski instructor and shadowing orthopedic doctors checked me out. He did some tests to see if I had snapped my MCL, but decided I probably hadn't. I got back on my feet slowly, and managed to stand, then get my skis back on and timidly head back down the mountain. Got an ice pack from the bar tender at the lodge, and sat down on the deck.

Iced and ibuprofen. It got rather swollen. I have a profound limp. It feels rather squishy. The swelling keeps me from bending it past about 90 degrees.

I found out Friday that I need to go to NYC on Tuesday and come back Thursday night. I had originally had a doctor's appointment Wednesday, but I had planned to reschedule. Right now I'm not sure whether to go to the ER or not. The only thing seeing a doctor will do for me right now is tell me whether I'm going to heal on my own or if I did damage requiring surgery, which is, frankly, my biggest fear. I don't think it's that bad, but then I think of the pop I heard and felt and that scares me. I was just getting back to full health after the surgery, and now this.

Frankly, it makes me want to give up skiing. Too dangerous. I don't need the injuries it can cause.

I just want to be healthy and able to row again.